All of Me

Five months old. When I see those three little words written down, it doesn’t seem like much time has gone by, but by-golly Avalina has grown so much, and too fast I might add. She might be six months old before I actually get to finish and post this blog. She has surely kept me busy! I’m going to get pretty honest with you on this blog, fair warning. Haha I know I’m pretty down and dirty in the other ones, but I have a feeling this one will get pretty personal. So here it is, no lies, just the cold hard truth. Having a kid is hard work. I think I heard that- oh - sometime in my mere 24 years of living, but the light has not shone on it for me until I had one, sure enough. I love Avalina with everything inside of me, which is why I have devoted every waking moment to her needs, I have put (almost) every aspect of my life on the back burner, and some days –here comes the honest part—it sucks. Lol Some days I just want, and miss, the quiet moments all to myself…the moments I use to have to paint my nails and read a book while I felt the summer air on my skin. When the only noise I heard in the background was the whisping of the wind, and the only thing I had to worry about cleaning was my old Barbie doll clothes shamefully shoved in the back of my closet—you can detect how little I had to worry about, yes? And now, I lay on my unmade bed, staring at my chipped nail polish, feeling sweaty, due to the very long walk I just took Avalina on, worrying about ... well just about everything, listening to my daughter breathe through the baby monitor. Yup, life has changed. I consider myself a good mother, even though thinking back I cannot remember the last day that went by without receiving criticism from someone about how to change the way that I parent… everyone’s a critic… But all in all, I am there for my daughter when she needs me, after all, isn’t that what we all need? I am fulfilled in knowing that we are finally settling into a routine. Motherhood finally feels like it fits(even amid all of the criticism) as opposed to the first few months I was frazzled. I will admit that I did not have the best post-partum experience—there are many things I would have changed—but I am all the better, saving the memories for the next baby experience, which I might add is not now.. lol but Alex and I do want to expand our family at a more rapid pace than some people will approve of. But for now I am overjoyed in Knowing that my baby is healthy and happy! All the other stuff—like painted nails, and quiet moments.. well, I’m sure I’ll have a plethora of those when I’m older.. you know, like eighty. ;-) I’ve learned that the most prominent part of mommyhood is becoming selfless, and I think I’m slipping into it somewhat smoothly, with maybe a tiny bit of grace.